Writing because of college

Your rough draft is structured well, and I can see the distinctions in topics and ideas in each paragraph. Each sentence is coherent and concise. There’s no over explanation or repetition in any of the paragraphs. I feel you cover each topic within the article well and explain the topics in a direct and easy to understand manner. I feel like your summary of the article would benefit from some direct evidence from the article, especially in the third paragraph. I like your summary in paragraph 4 about the different theories the authors propose. I felt like they were kind of hard to explain at times, especially the evolutionary one, and you did it very well. I like that in your opinion paragraph you give a personal example to children in your family. It shows why you’re siding with the article and how you also realize there’s an issue. I think you could try and expand your opinion more and make sure you add the second source because it is a requirement. You could try and think of a specific example of how you noticed a child getting nervous because they had to do something on their own to build on your opinion paragraph. The source is also correctly used in the introduction paragraph. Overall, I think it’s structured and explained well. Very solid foundation. 

The subject of mental health has been discussed more and more in the past few years. The emergence of this topic comes with a reason. Mental health in individuals and more significantly children has seen a downward trajectory in passing years. Anxiety, depression, and stress have all seen significant increases in children. So far it has only been getting worse. Given the importance of this issue, we must come to root cause to slow down and reverse this decline, so future generations aren’t plagued with it. Some people believe it has to do with social media, however the article I read which was the “Decline in Independent Activity as a Cause of Decline in Children’s MentalWell-being: Summary of the Evidence” by the Journal of Pediatrics disagreed with this outlook. This article’s primary thesis was that children are too sheltered now. This decrease in autonomy has led children to lose their sense of risk and independence, making them reliant and not having the experience to cope with the stress that life can bring. 

The first key idea presented in the article pointed out the more protective stance parents take now compared to the twentieth century. This more protective stance has made it more uncommon for children to have the freedom to engage in activities that include some level of risk or some level of responsibility. The article refers to this as “free play”. An example given by the article is the decline seen in CIM (children’s independent mobility). To show this decline, the article points out that the decrease in children walking home from school alone decreased from 86% from 1971 to 25% in 2010. To build on this constraint of mobility, the article also pointed out that time spent in school also limits independent activity. As evidence of this increase the article points out that between 1950 and 2010, the amount of time spent in school increased by 5 weeks. To expand this when adding homework to total time, kids between six and eight spent 11.4 hours on school related activities. Furthermore, the average time spent on recess was 26.9 minutes a day with some schools not even having recesses. 

The article continues to dive into the topic of school but pivots off in the direction of the stress school brings instead of school conflicting with independent movement. According to a study from the article 36.7% of students from ages 14 to 18 had persistent feelings of sadness or helplessness. The evidence that was even scarier was that suicide among people under the age of 15 went up 3.5-fold.  

The authors then link the two together by stating that as independent activity in children decreased, so did mental health in children decreased. Studies also indicated that children were less likely to play vigorously if an adult was present. Or in other words they were taking less risk. Another study found that children who are engaged in playing outside were more likely to have more friends, have better social skills, and have better motor skills than the kids derived from playing. Another study presented in the article found that kids who would walk or bike to school showed better psychological well-being. More evidence to support the importance of independence was that students who had part time jobs felt more independent and happier. They also reported improvements in social life. The most shocking statistic to me was that teenage students are the most stressed people in the US. 83% of them say school is the biggest cause of this. During the summer severe stress was cut in half. 

The next key point was that the decline of LOC also leads to depression and anxiety. LOC is when you feel as if you have control over your own life. You feel you can get that grade you want if you work hard. The article suggests that children do not have much control and do not play much, that it leads to them not feeling like they have control which leads to lack of LOC, which leads to a decrease in mental health. Studies found that when children solved tasks on their own, LOC was higher compared to children who had parents who helped without being asked. Children who have early independent activity are more likely to adapt to problems in life and have more success in social life. By experiencing independent activity children learn to live for themselves and follow their own desires reportedly live happier and more satisfying lives. To feel in charge of your life and reap these benefits you must have autonomy, readiness, and competence which is gained from learning due to your own mistakes. You need autonomy so you feel you can choose your own path. The readiness is feeling you have the skills for that path, and the readiness is having friends and family for support. The article then links playing and self-directed activities will lead a child to have those 3 qualities and as a result be happier, more satisfied and deal with stress better. 

The article up until then had me nodding my head the entire time. However, the last point made was the evolutionary approach. The article reviewed studies of indigenous communities that “… are likely more similar to the communities of our ancestors than are our developed communities”. The studies showed that children in these communities normally had a lot of independent activity, responsibility, and self-exploration. The article states that this was children’s natural tendencies and evolution has changed as time has changed. I can see where the article is going with this, but I feel as if there isn’t enough evidence and it’s a difficult thing to prove. It may not have been a natural tendency but more of a response to how social expectations were at the time. I see the possible correlation, but I’d need more to say I agree.  

Nonetheless, I almost completely agree with this article besides the last point given. I think the author provides some very solid points here. I initially noticed the authors were mainly going off correlation, which is not causation. However, they started to site studies and linked their points together very well. I do feel that now children aren’t given as much freedom as they once did. I also can see the decline in children doing independent activities. For example, my dad and his brothers would walk to school and walk home from school, now I feel we don’t see that as much. Parents are much more attentive to their children now and for good reasons. However, I think there is such a thing as “babying” and parents should avoid that. If you don’t allow your child to take risks and fail, how will they learn? I think mistakes are the best way to learn because you experienced a consequence. Furthermore, it builds self-esteem as well. Being able to recognize that you can be independent and solve problems independently can give children confidence in themselves. An article by the New York Times shares this belief with me that people now feel almost lost and don’t know where to take the next step because their hand has been held the whole way. I also agree with letting children live with their choices. When you live by your decisions, you’re living for yourself. You aren’t being led by someone else’s ideas or what they think you should do. This makes you happier because it gives you a sense of self-actualization. I agree with the points made in the article and think autonomy should be pushed more because it builds resilience, which leads to less mental health issues, more confidence, and self-reliance.  

https://www.petergray.org/_files/ugd/b4b4f9_f2cb98d004af4ebf9644c8daa30b040e.pdf 

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/02/opinion/children-choices-goal-setting.html 

https://www.petergray.org/_files/ugd/b4b4f9_f2cb98d004af4ebf9644c8daa30b040e.pdf

This articles main thesis is that due to a decrease in autonomy in children, it has led to a lack of satisfaction and mental attributes that help with combating the stress that life brings. This as a result has led to a decrease in mental health. The first point made is that now compared to the previous generation, children spend much less time in activities that involve risk or activities that give children their own responsibility. Parents now are much more focused on supervising their children instead of letting them off on their own to some degree. The author saw the correlation between the decrease in mental health and the decrease in autonomy in the past decades. A direct example was kids rarely walk home from school now. Another reason why there’s been a decrease in mental health according to the author is because of the amount of time children spend at school and doing school work. Due to the large amounts of time spent with school related activities there is a large constraint on children being able to engage in independent activities. This point is linked to the first point. The author uses this idea that children need some independence and autonomy. Studies also found that playing unsupervised had a positive effect on children’s well-being and children were more likely to play together without direct supervision. The article also pointed out children’s and high schoolers biggest source of stress was school. High schoolers in fact were the MOST stressed people In the US. Independent activity also led to children believing that they have a strong internal locus of control. This means children felt they were more in control of their future, which correlates to having less anxiety. Another point made was that by children making their own choices and letting them live in those choices made them happier. The authors main point is that children need independence and autonomy so they can learn how to deal with problems on their own. By not giving them the freedom to take risk they are more likely to be worse at coping and battling the stressful parts of life and that’s why there has been a large increase in mental health issues today.

I think the author provides some very solid points here. I initially noticed the author was pretty much going off of correlation, which is not causation. However the author started to site studies and linked their points together very well in the end. I do feel that now children aren’t given as much freedom as they once did. My dad and his brothers would walk to school and walk home from school, now I feel we don’t see that as much. Parents are much more attentive to their children now and for good reason. However, I think there is such thing as “babying” and parents should avoid that. If you don’t allow your child to take risk and fail, how will they learn? I think mistakes are the best way to learn because you actually experienced a consequence. Furthermore it builds self esteem as well. Being able to recognize that you can be independent and on your own gives children confidence in themselves. An article by the New York Times shares this belief with me that people now feel almost lost and don’t know where to take the next step because their hand has been held the whole way. I also agree with letting children live in their choices. When you live by your decisions you’re living for yourself. You aren’t being led by someone else’s ideas or what they think you should do. This should make you happier because it gives a sense of self actualization. I overall agree with the points made in the article and think autonomy should be pushed more because it builds resilience, which leads to less mental health issues, more confidence and self reliance.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/02/opinion/children-choices-goal-setting.html

 

Have you ever walked into the cafeteria of your new school and anxiously studied each lunch table, looking for a place to sit.  The anxiety derives from not knowing the people, not knowing the layout, not knowing where to go maybe. The unknown is the source of the anxiety.  That first friendship becomes almost invaluable, doesn’t it?   Many people have gone through that, but how about being from another country.  Now that cafeteria is a country and you can barely even communicate with anyone.  This makes your family and the relationships you form so much more precious, because for a while, they’re all you know.  In Portuguese culture family and friends is nearly everything because of the togetherness that my family needed.  Everyone needed each other through poverty and suffering. When you come from nothing, the only thing you can point to is your family, because no one can take that away from you. Luckily that has been passed down to me. 

The importance of family and relationships didn’t come to me because my family told me so.  It can from observing events where I realized without my family I wouldn’t be where I am.  The biggest example that comes to mind is when I got into my first car accident.  I still cringe when the image of my car enters my head.  The coolant leaking from the radiator.  The halo headlight smashed into pieces.  My bumper scraping on the ground.  The pain from watching it get towed away hurt.  However, the guilt inside me was unlike anything I ever felt.  That’s what hurt me the most.  I felt it in my stomach from the moment I woke up to right before falling asleep.  Regret was constantly living inside of me, and it was growing.  I thought everything was over.  “How would I get to work and school?  Obviously, someone would have to drive me.”  That’s a great way to lose guilt, isn’t it? Being reliant on someone.  I also thought about “my car, the car I love, how can that be fixed?” The guilt and regret pulled me down, but the way my family rallied around me helped me immensely.  They made me realize that it was ok and it happens to everyone.  My dad and grandfather both gave me some money to help pay for the damage and were just glad I wasn’t hurt.  I felt guilty because I messed up and felt disappointed in myself, but my family allowed me to let go of it, after quite some time though. My dad and grandfather helped me solve the problem of how to get my car back, but emotionally I still was scattered.  What was even worse was my mom was in Texas for a business trip, and she was the only person I felt I could talk about my guilt on a deeper level.  For that first week I just held it in. I knew things would turn out ok, but that didn’t necessarily do anything to the guilt slowly spreading in me.  When I said it was living inside me, I really wasn’t using personification.  I truly felt it was.  When my mom finally got back, it all came out.  All the self-destructive thoughts that snowballed all the way up to now.  I felt a lot better after, and she reassured me all that mattered was that I didn’t get injured.  I still felt guilty but much less after. Looking back, that event taught me something.  I now still feel guilty but strangely a part of me doesn’t regret it. I did become a better driver, but more importantly I learned that I have an amazing support system.  I realized I could make mistakes and not have to carry pressure on me at all times.  Having this in the back of my mind gives me a kind of peace, a peace that I’ve been able to use almost every day.  That peace comes from my family.   

The next event that comes to mind is when I graduated.  The number of friends and family that showed up for me was genuinely unbelievable.  The next day I looked at the tower of cards people had given me and never realized how much support I really had from everyone.  The people who were giving me cards were people I haven’t spoken to in months.  After each card I opened I would just enter into a new state of thankfulness and pure shock.  I felt as if it was too much. I felt like it was unjustified. I never really thought about how cared for I was. What really spoke to me about is it also made me realize that there’s so many people who want to see me succeed. That to me stuck with me.  People all around me truly want me to do well, which for some reason meant a lot to me. In the coming weeks I reflected a lot about it and will still remember my reactions to each card.  If the overwhelming number of cards and money I received didn’t make me see how important relationships are, the envelope I grabbed out of the mailbox would.  It was a thousand dollars.  I was completely baffled.  After digging through it more I realized it was from all my family in Portugal.  All my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and the other people I met when I visited chipped in. The beautiful Portuguese words written smoothly in cursive popped out.  I was confused because there were only a few people there I really knew that well.  Then I realized that wasn’t the point.  We were family and no matter how well we know each other or how often we see each other we’ll always have that in common. This was to show that though they were on another side of the ocean; they were acknowledging my accomplishments and that they support me.  

Another significant showing of the importance of family and relationships was my first break up.  I was completely devastated.  We were together for 4 years and I felt lost and completely confused by the situation. When I told my dad, it was one of the only times I’ve ever seen him speechless.  He didn’t know what to say.  All he could muster was “I’m so sorry Julian.” I didn’t blame him; I was also speechless. I didn’t really know what to do, I just wanted to stay home and do nothing.  Just wallow alone.  My grades were slipping, and my parents saw it.  They didn’t hassle me over, but they gave me a nudge.  The nudge wasn’t for school but to go out more.  Leave the house, spend time with friends, or just drive around.  They were reluctant to give me a lot of freedom, but they knew I would need it.  Given when they were my age, they had to be home by 7 pm. I remember they even had trouble sleeping just like me.  That togetherness really spoke to me. I was in a ditch, and not only did they try and help me out of it, but it was like they jumped into the ditch with me. I felt like I was alone still, but not far from people if that makes sense.  My grandparents would ask me how I was all the time and my parents recognized when something was bothering me and when they should let me be.  They gave me advice and plenty of freedom for me to distract myself with.  It was amazing how cared for I was.  I knew that whenever I left the house my mom would feel anxious, but she knew I needed it. Looking back, I realize she made a sacrifice for me.  Every time I’d go out, sometimes hours away from home I knew she was anxious about me.  She knew that I needed the freedom. She sacrificed her peace of mind for me, when her parents would never have.  I was able to make some great memories because of freedom, and it definitely opened my eyes to how amazing life is.  

When writing this memoir, I had to put myself back into the shoes of my old self and try and recall all the emotions and thoughts I had.  It made me realize that without my family and friends I wouldn’t have the comfort, happiness, and confidence I have today. When observing the outcomes of these events, it became really apparent that the relationships I have are critical to how I live every day. The support that I have, the togetherness I feel, has made my family so extraordinary, and I feel lucky every day. I’m the person I am because of them and I work hard with them in my mind. That’s why relationships in life are so important, they can be your temporary backbone when yours can’t keep you up anymore.

What I really liked about the essay was I could see your interest in the topic of health come out more and more.  At first I started to think it would be about family but I could see the past you getting interested in nursing and health.  The focus slowly moves from your grandmother to the nurses.  I also like you starting off with your grandmother being in the hospital rather than you first explaining your interest in health because it adds relatability which is a good hook.

The detail you use really captivated me and I wanted to keep reading.  Using that level of detail in the first paragraph is a great hook.  I could actually envision a young kid waiting in that white hospital waiting room with those plastic chairs and hearing the breathing machines like a pattern.  I would’ve liked in the second paragraph if you added your reactions to what the nurse Maria was saying.  It would help me feel as if I was there also receiving the news.  Maybe add some dialogue or the emotions you felt.

The primary scene to me seemed like it was the first paragraph because that’s where I felt as if I was there almost.  The next two paragraphs seem like summaries of what happened and how they impacted your life and views going forward.

Another thing I like about your essay is the amount of messages there are.  One is the importance of health.  Another could be the importance of family because you guys were in this hard time together.  Gratefulness for health is another possibility.  You put a lot of emphasis on how this event made you want to prioritize your health and help people and families in need.  I think overall the main message is how important health is because it can be taken at any moment.  I think this because in your last paragraph you stated that health wasn’t a given.

I think the order of your essay is straight forward and perfect.  Very easy to keep up with and understand where you’re at in the timeline.  It also shows your development and shows the passion you slowly built for health and medicine, which helps captivate your main idea.

I think your overall description and direction is amazing.  You set the scene well with a great hook and the last paragraph even made me think about health and medicine differently.  You show great passion in that last paragraph and for that reason it’s my favorite part.  I could actually imagine you helping people which means your passion and description was on point.  I like how the essay is relatable but also has the personal element of how you interpreted the situation.  You learned that good health isn’t a given and what your future goals were.  Which is personal to you but the part about covid being difficult is relatable for everyone.  I enjoyed the essay a lot the only thing I’d add is more emotion in that second paragraph. Even though I understand the main point of the paragraph was to show your interest for health developing, your description is very good and I want to see more of it.

The main ideas are in this draft but later on I plan to add more description and much better transitions into ideas.  This was really to just get my ideas on the paper.

Have you ever walked into the cafeteria of your new school and anxiously study each lunch table, looking for a place to sit.  The anxiety derives from not knowing the people, not knowing the layout, not knowing where to go maybe. The unknown is the source of the anxiety.  That first friendship becomes almost invaluable, doesn’t it?  Almost everyone has gone through that, but how about being from another country.  Now that cafeteria is a country and you can barely even communicate with anyone.  This makes your family and the relationships you make so much more precious.  In Portuguese culture family and friends is nearly everything because of the togetherness that my family needed.  Luckily that has been passed down to me.

The importance of family and relationships didn’t come to me because my family told me so.  It can from observing events where I realized without my family I wouldn’t be where I am.  The biggest example that comes to mind is when I got into my first car accident.  I still cringe when the image of my car enters my head.  The coolant leaking from the radiator.  The halo headlight smashed into pieces.  My bumper scraping on the ground.  The guilt I felt was unlike anything I ever felt.  Regret was constantly living inside of me.  I thought everything was over.  How would I get to work?  My car, the car I love, how can that be fixed?  The guilt would’ve pulled me down but the way my family rallied around me helped me immensely.  They made me realize that it was ok and it happens to everyone.  My dad and grandfather both gave me some money to help pay for the damages and were just glad I was ok.  I felt guilty because I messed up and felt disappointed in myself, but family allowed me to let go of it.  I also learned that I will always have a support system which has given me confidence and security.

The next event that comes to mind is when I graduated.  The amount of friends and family that showed up for me was genuinely unbelievable.  The next day I looked at the tower of cards people had given me and never realized how support I really had from everyone.  The people who were giving me cards were people I haven’t spoken to in months.  After each card I opened I would just enter into a new state of thankfulness and pure shock.  I felt as if it was too much.  In the coming weeks I reflected a lot about it and still remember my reactions.  If the overwhelming  number of cards and money I received didn’t make me see how important relationships would the envelope I grabbed out of the mailbox would.  It was a thousand dollars.  I was completely baffled.  After digging through it more I realized it was from all my family in Portugal.  All my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and the other people I met when I visited chipped in.  I was confused because there was only a few I really knew that well.  Then I realized that wasn’t the point.  We were family and no matter how well we know or often we see each other we’ll always have that in common.  That was the point.

Another significant showing of the importance of family and relationships was my first break up.  I was completely devastated.  We were together for 4 years and I felt lost and completely confused of the situation.  I didn’t really know what to do, I just wanted to stay home and do nothing.  Just wallow alone.  My grades were slipping and my parents saw it.  They didn’t hassle me over but they gave me a nudge.  The nudge wasn’t for school but to go out more.  Leave the house, spend time with friends or just drive around.  They were reluctant of giving me a lot of freedom but they knew I would need it.  Given when they were my age they had to be home by 7 pm.  I remember they even had trouble sleeping just like me.  That togetherness really spoke to me.  I felt like I was alone still but not far from people if that makes sense.  My grandparents would ask me how I was all the time and my parents helped pick me back up.  They gave me advice and plenty of freedom for me to distract myself with.  It was amazing how cared for I was.  I knew that whenever I would leave the house my mom would feel anxious but she knew I needed it.  She sacrificed that for me.

 

The theme I am thinking of choosing is family and relationships. I want to pick this theme because to me the relationships you build throughout your life are extremely important.  I think family is also very important and typically in the past I’ve written memoirs that have to do with setbacks in life and nothing about how important family and friends are to.

I’m Julian Raposo and I’ve only ever wrote anything because I had to.  I’ve never really liked English as a class and never took any electives relating to English unless I had to.  However, there has been some topics I liked writing about.  I never minded writing about personal stories because they don’t require any research or analysis.  it’s just how you feel and it can flow however you want.  I especially liked this because I have a very conversational tone when I write, I find it easier that way.

The first point from “Ten Ways To Think About Writing” I want to talk about is actually the first point.  More specifically the “Write about what you know about, are curious about, are passionate about” part.  This to me as someone who doesn’t like writing makes writing a lot easier and more enjoyable.  The two following points “show, don’t tell” and adapting to the audience kind of just fall into place if you’re interested in the topic.  You can paint a better picture of something if you truly understand it, so the showing part is almost effortless in a way.  You’ll just naturally become more descriptive because the topic fascinates you.  The knowing your audience part also becomes easy as well because the audience would be people like you.  People who also want to learn about the topic and who are passionate about it will be your audience.  By applying the first point of writing about something you like makes some of the other points fall into place.  These points have helped me in getting better grades for writing assignments and at times got me to enjoy writing a little.

I asked chat GPT to make a 250 word essay on why BMW is the best car brand.

Response given:

BMW, short for Bayerische Motoren Werke, has long been recognized as one of the most prestigious and innovative car brands in the world. Known for its tagline, “The Ultimate Driving Machine,” BMW delivers vehicles that embody performance, luxury, and engineering excellence. What sets BMW apart from other car manufacturers is its unique balance between sporty driving dynamics and refined comfort.

First, BMW’s engineering is world-class. Its cars are designed with precision, offering responsive handling and powerful engines that create an exhilarating driving experience. From the iconic inline-six engines to cutting-edge electric powertrains in models like the i4 and iX, BMW continues to push the boundaries of performance and sustainability. This combination of tradition and innovation makes the brand highly respected among automotive enthusiasts.

Second, BMW vehicles are a symbol of luxury and status. Their sleek designs, premium materials, and advanced technology ensure that drivers enjoy both comfort and sophistication. The brand’s interiors often set benchmarks for elegance, featuring intuitive infotainment systems, driver assistance features, and customizable options tailored to individual preferences.

Lastly, BMW has built a strong legacy of reliability and prestige. Its presence in motorsport, including Formula 1 and endurance racing, has strengthened its reputation for durability and high performance. Owning a BMW is not just about transportation—it is about joining a heritage of innovation, craftsmanship, and driving passion.

For these reasons, BMW stands above its competitors as the best car brand, combining performance, luxury, and innovation like no other.

---

The essay is well written and I think it does a good job in picking 3 solid points.  It first talks about the engineering in the first paragraph.  It then goes into what the cars symbolize and ends with the history and success of BMW.  It almost feels like a car salesman is trying to get me to buy a car.  Also in the last paragraph it tries to play into peoples emotions, explaining that purchasing one of these cars is also about joining something.  This gives the essay more passion and persuasion.

I feel plagiarism isn’t the right word for when a student uses an essay made by AI.  AI doesn’t think therefore you aren’t taking ideas from an actual person.  It is cheating because they aren’t your thoughts but I feel you can use it for ideas and use it to start something.  As long as the foundation Is made by you and is in your own words I don’t see it as cheating.

The only way to make this a fair submission as an essay would be maybe to use some of the points it presented but putting them in your own words and explaining it in a way you actually would explain it.  I think a way to make this essay better would be to state some accomplishments the company has accomplished.  For example when it mentions BMWs presence in motorsport, it could have explained what the engineers have been able to accomplish and maybe some records or awards BMW has received.